Never Be The Same

My thoughts are searching memories,
memories I left behind.
There's a battle raging on in me,
the past has filled my mind.

I'm tempted to let go again,
to run and not look back,
but I've been down the road before,
and joy is what it lacks.

I don't want to go back there,
I don't want to want that sin.
Though I miss the way I felt,
I don't want to feel it again.

You had me for a little while,
and you chose to let me go.
The pain was hard to bear at times,
in ways you will never know.

But had our past not happened,
and had we chose to walk away,
my life would speak much quieter,
and I'd have much less to say.

I know this may confuse you,
how I can fight the way I feel,
but God has made it clear to me,
that none of it was real.

I asked you why He allowed it,
if He considered it a sin,
your answer was my turning point,
"so you can prove your love to Him."

I think I tried to save you,
but in the end I failed myself.
I'm not sure what I've done for you,
but you were my biggest help.

I'm sorry if I hurt you,
I'm sorry that I changed,
I jeopardized our futures,
and I caused un-needed pain.

I will always regret "us",
I will always look back in shame,
but my weakness brought my healing,
and now I'll never be the same.