I have lived many years and all the days that I can remember have one thing in common; at least one moment of despair and sadness. Now don't get me wrong I have had many moments of happiness many memories I wish never to forget. But to say my life has been lived to the full as God intended it would be a complete and utter lie. I have failed in the very way I wished to succeed…gracefully. A failure I didn't know had come to be has seemed to block the very path I walk on. I don't know where that path was leading me but all of the sudden I lack the strength or even the will to go on and find out.
I've had dreams before but I have come to find anything you have to imagine usually means you had to come up with something to hope for because you know the real thing isn't very likely to happen or even exist. "Dreams really do come true" is a saying, said as if trying to convince people of something. You want to know why we need convincing? Because the things we hoped for, the things we imagined, or even dreamed have a huge history of never happening, therefore crushing our hopes and leaving us looking for some one or something to convince us it "really" can happen even though we know first hand that it is very unlikely. I do not know who this "we" and "us" that I speak of consist, but I guess maybe I am just hoping, and dreaming that I am not the only one as screwed up as I have convinced my self that I am.
You see this life that I am living has yet to prove itself any different than death. This life that I am living has yet to prove its self anything other than just an existence. There have been many things I have wished to do but I lack the means to do them. It kind of makes one wonder if I was bound for this failure that has seemed to catch me by surprise. I seemed to have failed in something I wasn't even given a chance to succeed in. I lost a game in which I was benched.
That old saying "you can run but you cant hide" I believe it to be true but I guess it cant really be false if the very thing you are running from is yourself. I have ran from my problems I have ran from my mistakes, my flaws, failures, fears and even my own heart. Only I have ran for so long from my heart that I have seemed to accomplish the very thing I believe I was trying to avoid…losing it. Yes I have lost my heart and now I can't seem to find where it lies and I don't have the slightest idea of where to start looking. I feel nothing because I have nothing in which to feel anything with. I love nothing because I have nothing to tell me what love is. I have nothing because in order to have anything you have to be able to lose it and if I have lost my heart I believe it is safe to say I have nothing left to lose.
Someone who has nothing left to lose might think it is safe to say that they then have everything to gain. Wrong. Once you lose everything you wish never to gain a thing in fear of losing it again. And rather than going through another loss you chose to except your current state and go on living a life you don't understand no matter how hard you try to understand it.
I think we are all trying to understand something that is not meant to be understood… something, I believe is the hardest thing to understand even if we were meant to understand it. Life can be many things but one thing I know it is not is something that makes any sense at all, so we should all just stop trying to understand it. I think we will be disappointed in what we find anyway if we were to ever understand what it is we seek so hard to understand.
This all may seem like a bunch of depressing, meaningless shit that will never come to be anything more than a few words on a piece of paper. But it may also seem to be a glimpse of hope for someone out there writing about a "we" or "us" unsure of their own existence. It may be a window to an idea that if we would just live our lives from the beginning as if we have nothing to lose as if we were searching for our heart in every part of life, then maybe the slightest understanding of why we are here may come into view. Maybe if we live our lives as if already lost then we wont be disappointed when we lose anything. Maybe if we live our lives constantly searching for our heart we may finally find out its true desires, and there will then be nothing to block that path, and nothing to hold us back from going on to see where it leads. Maybe this idea is not a dream maybe it is a reality that just hasn't come to be. And if it is just a dream well… maybe some dreams can come true, weather you believe it or not, I guess just depends on your own experiences with hope.
